Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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