i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
