Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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