just come out here and I will go home with you...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
