I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
