I wish they made helmets for livers.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
