Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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