Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
