I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
