There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
