pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
