im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize