i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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