Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
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donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
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Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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