when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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