life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
