It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
