I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
