weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
