1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
