She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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