i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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