I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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