Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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