ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
