why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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