things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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