my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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