I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
