just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
