so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
