Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
