I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
