i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's shark week go big or go home
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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