Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
