they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
