so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
