The maid of honor just puked.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
