You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your mouth is God's brothel.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
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Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
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I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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