Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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