We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
