party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
