his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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