I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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