I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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