Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
