People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
