alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
