i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
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i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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