Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
