My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
