after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
