Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
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I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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