just come out here and I will go home with you...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
