Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
