I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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