OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
